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9 Ways to Teach Children Tolerance in a Fearful World

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Messages of prejudice and stereotyping can be subtle or overt. Discrimination can be conveyed yet “disqualified” in humor or even in silence. Children may pick up ideas about what constitutes good and bad people from the media or friends, but parents still have the advantage of early training, modeling and education. Your values of fear or of curiosity and inclusiveness cannot be hidden from your children, no matter how hard you try. They are watching you.

We all have fears and apprehensions about things that are strange to us and we generally prefer situations and people with whom we are familiar or who we perceive are like us. But these human traits do not necessarily translate into ideas of superiority and inferiority. Hate crimes stem from seeing those different as a threat. Fear and self-loathing are at the core of prejudice. Projection of one’s own insecurities leads to stereotyping others. When we are compassionate to ourselves, understanding we are in some ways the same, and in some ways different from others, curiosity and inclusiveness are fostered.  Kindness in the world begins with kindness to oneself. The world is becoming smaller every day. Teaching compassion and inclusiveness is more important than ever.

Here are nine things parents can do to foster tolerance and kindness in children:


1) Don’t laugh at belittlement.

Don’t remain silent when disparaging remarks are made about groups of people. Comment when you see compassion and kindness extended. Rejoice when gains are made by those struggling for acceptance and equality.

 

2) Model your tolerance of differences in: strangers (race, culture, sexual orientation, physical differences, jobs, etc.) family members (religion, choice of partners, diseases, income, etc.) your children (their interests, strengths, ideas, physical differences, social abilities, etc.) even of yourself (physical traits, challenges, talents, etc.).

Children listen when parents least expect. Your humor, off handed comments and what you agree with and endorse are observed by your children. Putting yourself down (for weight, income, age, skin color, education, etc.) teaches children that there is only one “right” way to be accepted.

 

3) Get your family involved in the bigger community outside your immediate neighborhood or house of worship.

Isolation can lead to narrow thinking. Expanding your family’s interests can initiate conversations and exposure to new people and concepts. Reach beyond your habitual activities. Volunteer with a group, try a new hobby, take a class, and attend art exhibits, theater, or a wide variety of live music. Have conversations about things your family learns and appreciates about different people and life styles.

 

4) Research, learn and then teach your children about different religions and their celebrations, cultures and their foods, political systems and their origins, types of families, or social organizations and their goals and objectives.

The more you model curiosity and admiration for groups different from yours the more you teach children that differences are not a threat but can be life enhancing. You may have opinions and preferences but the more information and curiosity you model the less fear you will covey.

 

5) Remind your children of the challenges of your own ancestry and as well as the struggles of other groups.

Every human culture, lifestyle and religion has experienced prejudice and hatred. Religious fights for acceptance, segregation, women’s right to vote, first generation immigrant struggles, marrying into a “wrong” family, having a nontraditional partner, breaking into a closed industry, or questioning a longstanding family tradition. Convey the emotions, kindnesses of others, courage and compassion that can be gained from understanding another’s plight.

 

6) Travel with your children.

Show them how others live, work, celebrate, grieve, worship, care for children and the elderly. Help them look at others the way others see themselves, not in comparison to their own value system and norms.

 

7) Answer your children’s questions about prejudice and fear the best you can, even if you don’t have all the answers.

Entertaining and answering your children’s questions indicates you welcome discussions. Shutting down questions with quick frustrated answers tells kids the topic is off limits. Sometimes asking what a child thinks about a question before you give an answer can deepen the discussion because you have shown you care about what your child thinks as well. Modeling respect for your children’s ideas is a big part of demonstrating tolerance.

 

8) Get involved.

Write letters to elected officials with your older children. Attend listening groups and demonstrations. Support those who are victims of discrimination. Explain legislation and propositions on upcoming ballots that affect minorities. Encourage your children to have a voice on issues they feel strongly about. Families can make a difference long before children are old enough to vote or hire employees.

 

9) Model compassion.

Even in your agitation at those who harm others out of their fears, try to convey to your children that all human beings deserve to be treated with respect. Taking a stand against prejudice does not mean living in anger, it means living in action.

 

Dr. Lois Nightingale is a psychologist and Marriage Family Therapist in private practice in Yorba Linda, California. She has been working with children, teens and adults for over thirty years. She is the author of "My Parents Still Love Me Even Though They're Getting Divorced." Her latest book, available on Amazon, "It's a Bedroom, Not a Boardroom," is a book on fostering connection at home without "bossing" loved ones around. It is her commitment to help people find resolution to the emotional issues that affect quality of life.

Updated on 4.05.16