Parents and Teachers
Building Character
Life Skills
Six Ways to Encourage Autonomy
“From a little spark may burst a mighty flame.”—Dante
Our children are unique individuals with their own character, temperament, feelings, tastes, and dreams. Encouraging autonomy leads to self-determination and independence.
Parents can provide opportunities for children to make choices and take on responsibility from a very young age. Teach, then step back and allow them to explore, make mistakes, and learn from their mistakes.
Encouraging autonomy requires lots of patience, so plan ahead and be very flexible. I remember the year my daughter decided she wanted to tie her shoelaces independently. Initially, it took what seemed to me forever (she would not accept any help), but with patience and within a short period of time, she gained mastery of the task and moved on to other things. When tasks take time or are challenging for little ones to accomplish, we often over-supervise or take over and do it for them. It is faster for us to do it, we may be better at accomplishing the task, and it is hard for us to watch them struggle. But it is in that very struggle that growth takes place, and every time they accomplish something by themselves, it builds their confidence.
Here are a few ideas for encouraging autonomy:
1. Allow children to make choices.
Choices present a child with the opportunity to have some control in a world where adults make all the decisions.
2. Respect the struggle.
Give them time to go through the process. It is our protective instinct that makes us want to bail our children out, but sometimes it is important that they go through the struggle. Struggle builds character.
3. When they have a problem, do not be too quick to give them solutions.
Encourage them to answer their own questions. I often ask my children to do some research first to see what they come up with. They often come up with great solutions, and sometimes they even teach me something new.
4. Let them do for themselves.
Don’t do for children what they can do for themselves. Of course, there are times when they may need you to, and that’s okay. Many parents insist on dressing children who would really rather dress themselves. If your young child’s fashion sense does not suit your style, you can always ask her/him to wear a button that states “I dressed myself.” I’m sure they will wear it proudly.
5. Do not take away hope.
If a child is determined to try out for something you are not quite sure they can do (provided it is safe), give them the opportunity to go through the process and be supportive of them. If they succeed, you will be pleasantly surprised. If they don’t, they will learn from the experience and you will be right there by their side.
6. Let your children speak for themselves.
It is easy to answer a question that someone asks your child without even thinking. I’ve caught myself doing this even though I try to be careful not to. Allowing children to speak for themselves is a mark of respect for who they are.
Ridvan Foxhall is an occupational therapist who resides in Westchester, NY, with her husband and two children. She enjoys working with children and developing programs that build confidence and develop life skills. She recently founded New Era Creative Space, an educational center for children and adults, and is the producer of the Children’s Theatre Company’s Peekskill Chapter.
Updated on 1.16.14