Five Alternatives to NO!

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“Into the house where Joy lives, happiness will gladly follow.” Japanese Proverb

Children hear the words, “No, Don’t, Stop it!” all day long. Can you imagine having your desires thwarted often and on a daily basis? Sometimes “NO” is the appropriate response, but it is more effective when used sparingly.

Here are a few alternatives to “NO” that I have used with success.
 

1. “Yes, after___.”

“Mom can I have a cookie?” “Yes, after dinner,” or whenever you feel is the right time.  “Yes, later” may not work for a smart or impatient child whose idea of later may be three seconds later, so be specific. Later can be too abstract for a young child.

2. “Yes, as soon as___.”

“Mom, can I go next door?”  “Yes, as soon as you put away the dishes,” or “As soon as you are done with your homework,” etc.

3. “Give me a minute.”

Allow time to develop your case. Instead of just saying “No,” I often make a case for why something can’t happen immediately, but maybe at another time or under better circumstances. Lately I use “Let me think about it,” because I really need to consider and think about their requests now that they are older.

4. “Convince me.”

I’ve used this one often. I ask them to give me a convincing reason, and sometimes they do, and surprise me in pleasant ways.

5. Describe the situation without saying “NO.”

“Mom, can I go to Mary’s?”
“We are leaving for Grandma’s in five minutes, honey.”
You may get an “Oh, okay.”

Story: When my son was about six years old, while we were at a family retreat, he found a broom and decided to play with it in the dining room and hallways. It didn’t look safe, so I asked him to put the broom away.  He insisted that I let him play with it and that it wasn’t a broom. I could have just said no and taken it from him, but I always hope that I can talk my kids into willingly obeying. I explained my concerns, then asked him to give me a good reason why I should let him continue. He replied that it was a “multi-purpose stick with hairs.”

“Brilliant,” I thought, “This kid is thinking.” I also thought, “Boy, am I in trouble when he becomes a teenager!” So we compromised. He was to take his multi-purpose stick with hairs outdoors, away from people and furniture. That worked, and we both got our needs met.

What are some of your alternatives to NO?

 

Ridvan Foxhall is an occupational therapist who resides in Westchester, NY, with her husband and two children. She enjoys working with children and developing programs that build confidence and develop life skills. She recently founded New Era Creative Space, an educational center for children and adults, and is the producer of the Children’s Theatre Company’s Peekskill Chapter.

 

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Updated on 1.17.14