Tips for Talking About Scary Events

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“Children are the most precious treasure a community can possess, for in them are the promise and guarantee of the future. They bear the seeds of the character of future society which is largely shaped by what the adults constituting the community do or fail to do with respect to children.” —Bahá’í Writings 

 

“People are swarming the Capitol.”

I read the text and gasped. I had anticipated unrest, but it was still shocking to see. Next to me, I heard my daughter gasp, too. She had read the text over my shoulder.

I looked at her and tried to take it all in. My 13-year-old daughter, tall for her age, sat next to me in a neurologist’s office. Wrapped in winter gear and a pandemic mask, the only part of her I could see was her eyes. Eyes that were rapidly filling with fear. Outside, a global pandemic and political unrest shook the world around her. Inside, something was happening in her brain to make her body seize. Every part of her world was shaking. “What’s going to happen?” she asked. It took me three heartbeats to answer.

In the first heartbeat, fear flashed through me. I was weary from what she had already been through, and worried about more pain to come. Her headaches and blackouts don’t yet have answers. The instability outside is just the beginning. We don’t know what’s around the corner, and it’s a terrifying place to be. I let the anxiety pass through me, and saw it mirrored in my daughter.

In the second heartbeat, I remembered who I was looking at. Here is a girl who has already been through so much. At 13, this incredible person has faced bullies with compassion and taken shelter during neighborhood shootings. She has lost loved ones and weathered hurricanes, earthquakes, and a global pandemic. Her world has been uprooted more times than I can count. Still, she loves to laugh and help others. She is strong and resilient, and she was “created to carry forward an ever-advancing civilization.”

In the third heartbeat, I felt determination. I couldn’t give her answers, but I wouldn’t give her fear. “I don’t know what’s going to happen,” I said. “Racism and injustice corrode the foundations of society. We’re experiencing the consequences of that instability. It’s our job to build a stronger foundation, and we have the tools to do it. I don’t know what will happen, but I know we will get through it. If you were born in this time, then you were created with the capacity to handle whatever comes.”

As I said it, I felt the truth of it settle in. In another heartbeat, I watched the fear fade from her eyes. She nodded, held my hand, and we waited for the neurologist to enter.

* * * 

Our kids are facing unprecedented times. As parents and educators, we have the dual task of learning to navigate these hardships for ourselves while accompanying our kids along new and sometimes frightening paths. Here are a few tips from psychologists and educators on how to talk to your kids about current events.

 

1. Ask Questions

Kids hear things from friends, school, social media, and other sources. Before explaining things to them, it’s a great idea to find out what they already know. It will help guide the discussion and give you clues about how much to share. It can also give you a chance to clarify points of misinformation and zero in on sources of stress and anxiety for your kids.

 

2. Listen Deeply

Listen not just to their words, but also to the uncertainty and fear behind them. It will help kids feel seen and heard, building trust in your relationship and calming their anxiety. When you take their questions and fears seriously, you open the door for them to share even more. You might feel eager to relieve their concerns, but be careful not to rush to answer before kids feel fully heard.

 

3. Answer Honestly (and to the point)

Though we’d like to protect kids from worry, they’ll be better served by learning the truth. Kids can also sense lies and deflection a mile away. But you don’t want to overwhelm them with too much information or a long lecture. Be direct and honest about what’s happening, keeping in mind their age and maturity. Often, kids are faced with situations that no one should have to deal with at any age, and issues need to be addressed honestly and with great care and intention.

 

4. If You Don’t Know, Say So

It’s okay if you don’t have all the answers—just be honest about it. If it’s something you can find answers to, tell them you’ll look it up and share what you find. Or look it up together. If it’s a question that has no answer, tell them. Life is full of uncertainties, and you can show kids how to handle that.

 

5. Focus on Empowerment

Help your kids place the issue in a broader historical or spiritual context. We may not be able to control what’s happening, but reflecting on causes and effects can give us a clearer understanding. Help your kids feel empowered to focus on the choices they can make and concrete actions they can take to have a positive impact.

 

6. Check In

Kids’ understanding of current events will keep changing as they grow and learn. Fear and uncertainty aren’t often resolved completely with one conversation. They can keep creeping in. Check in with your kids to see how they’re feeling and what they’re thinking about. It will let them know that you value their feelings and opinions, and you’ll be a safe person for them to talk to when they need it.

Living with uncertainty can be scary and painful. But it can also be an opportunity to nurture hope in ourselves, our kids, and our neighbors. The surest hope we have for healing our world is to have these challenging conversations with our kids and to instill in them courage, compassion, and commitment to change. 

Katie Bishop is a parent, educator, and writer with over 20 years of experience in schools, homes, and virtues classes. She is raising two awesome kids who keep her on her toes (and give her maybe more than a few gray hairs), and worked as an assistant editor for Brilliant Star Magazine.

 

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Updated on 1.08.21