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The Meanest Mom’s 12 Tips for a Childhood-Friendly Media Diet

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I’m “the meanest mom.” I didn’t let my 11-year-old daughter see The Fault in Our Stars. Or Pitch Perfect. And she can’t have an Instagram account—yet. It seems childhood is assaulted everyday by social media, popular music, Photoshopped celebrity pictures, movies, TV, and sexually-charged advertisements that pop up even during family entertainment. I’m trying to navigate the fine line between “picking my battles,” protecting my child, and not being so overprotective that she runs in the other direction. This balance seems to be one of the hardest (and ongoing) challenges of parenting.

While this isn’t totally new territory for me (I also have children who are almost 20 and 22), the pace and scale of challenges seem to have changed substantially even since my older daughters were in middle school (i.e., they didn’t have iPhones or Snapchat, and Miley Cyrus was still listening to her parents).

Kids today spend over 50 hours of screen time every week, or about seven hours per day. Companies spent $100 million in advertising to kids in 1983, whereas today they spend about $17 billion. For these companies to keep dangling the latest shiny objects to thrill- and approval-hungry kids, they keep escalating the enticement. This will only continue until parents push back and teach their kids how to do so for themselves. 

 

Hold On to Your Childhood and Keep a Joyous Home

A recent parenting mantra of mine is “It’s my job to help you hold on to your childhood.” This stage of life should be filled with play, awe, wonder, and carefree joy. Thanks to a booming testing culture at school and a barrage of “too sexy, too soon” media and consumer trends, childhood seems to be shrinking. If parents aren’t vigilant about protecting this fleeting life stage, these other influencers certainly won’t help out.

My mantra on childhood has helped bring my youngest daughter and me closer to each other amidst disagreements. Though she’s just 11, she knows instinctively that childhood is precious and she’ll never get it back. I tell her that I’m on her team and always will be; I’ll look out for her, even when she disagrees.

Along with holding on to childhood, I strive to create a peaceful, joyous home. My vision for this is articulated in the Bahá’í writings:

My home is the home of peace. My home is the home of joy and delight. My home is the home of laughter and exultation. Whosoever enters through the portals of this home, must go out with gladsome heart.” — ‘Abdu'l-Bahá

 

Conversation and Reflection Pave Way for Independence

There’s a fine line between having great conversations with my kids and preaching or moralizing. Car rides, the dinner table (without TV), after-school snack time, or just before bedtime can offer natural spaces for talking with each other.

The best conversations happen if I listen more and hold back exclamations of shock or surprise when my daughters mention things they or their friends are experiencing. Particularly as they grow up, they need space to process what is coming at them, without me telling them what to do or think. I offer guidance and rules while they’re in my house, in hopes that they will take away a moral compass instead of seemingly limiting rules that they can’t wait to be free of. I’ve found that for an effective moral compass to develop, the positive messages (i.e., ways to make a difference and practice honesty, integrity, and loving-kindness) must balance out the “don’ts” in life. 

In the quest to make appropriate and empowering media choices for my children, I’ve developed these 12 guidelines.

 

12 Tips for a Childhood-Friendly Media Diet
 

1. Be confident in limiting exposure.

As a parent, you have the option and the right to say “no” and trust your instincts. When other parents say “no,” we can respect that and support them in their position.

 

2. Mix it up.

Just like a plate of food is more nutritious with many colors on it, vary your media diet. Mix up  “reality TV” and other pop culture picks with a global perspective; seek documentaries on the natural world, happiness, kids overcoming challenges, sushi-making—whatever might capture your family’s attention to build variety in viewing.

 

3. Set clear boundaries.

Media consumption and smartphone use are closely intertwined, so put your expectations in writing. One example to download is the iRules Contract by the insightful and authentic Janell Burley Hofmann. After her contract for her then 14-year-old son went viral, Janell went deeper on the topic of tech use for families with her helpful book, iRules.

 

4. Blame me!

A point Janell makes and I have made with my children: If your friends don’t agree with your limits, blame me. I’m your “out,” whether you agree or not.

 

5. Help kids process media.

Kids ingest lots of media that is over their heads. Take time to have a conversation to process what you’ve just seen—create a safe space and set aside a chunk of time for digesting.

 

6. Choose your battles, and look at requests through a lens of empathy.

While I reserve the right to say “no,” I try to keep an open mind. Recently my daughter was desperate to attend her first big concert. I watched an entire recent concert of the band’s on YouTube (painful, but that’s what you do for your kid, and yes, you can find almost anything on YouTube!) and my husband and I gave our blessing for her to attend the concert with a friend and a trusted parent. She knows we draw the line on plenty of other media and pop culture experiences, but that we will listen with open minds to a fair request.

 

7. Unite with your parenting partner(s).

My husband and I present a united stand on boundaries and consequences for our children. We talk through some of the bigger challenges together (away from our child) as we enter new territory. Rather than trying to play us against each other, she knows that while we are compassionate listeners, her parents are united in prioritizing her well-being. This also presents an important life lesson for building her own family in the future: A couple in a committed relationship is honest and transparent with each other, and we are committed to unity when navigating a range of issues. Forming allies with others who influence your child’s media and life choices, whether it’s extended family, friends, or caregivers, also is important, particularly for single parents.

 

8. Have good alternatives ready.

I keep a list of family-friendly movies I hear about as a running note on my phone. Without the list, we can spend a frustrating evening looking for something that might satisfy disparate interests. Thanks to the list, we recently saw Million Dollar Arm, and three generations of our family enjoyed it together. Good sources for family-friendly films include Common Sense Media, G-Kids, and lists of dozens of foreign films I’ve compiled in Growing Up Global and The Global Education Toolkit. Common Sense Media is my go-to source for every new movie or TV show, offering expert- and science-based guidelines that objectively lay out what to expect in a show, without moralizing, and an overall age rating. Ideally, parents want to preview media they are concerned about, but that’s not always possible.

 

9. Don’t forget oldies.

Classic films from Fiddler on the Roof to Singing in the Rain and The Sound of Music are favorites in my family. While some might demonstrate more bigotry or sexism than current films, watching them offers a good chance to talk about these issues and changing standards.

 

10. Make a strong case.

Moralizing (saying “It’s bad!”) is not too effective with kids, but entering into a conversation about how a song or show might objectify women, belittle intelligence, or be made for an older audience could help.

 

11. Establish “screen-free” zones at home.

Make sure there are no TVs, computers, or video games in children’s bedrooms, and turn off the TV during dinner. This is recommended by American Association of Pediatrics, which also suggests that children and teens should engage with entertainment media for no more than one or two hours per day, and that should be “high-quality content.” For infants and children under age two, they recommend avoiding all screen time. “A child’s brain develops rapidly during these first years, and young children learn best by interacting with people, not screens.”

 

12. Consider your own example.

In offering steps for raising global kids, I recommend that parents read books from diverse authors and places themselves, before expecting this of their kids. Similarly, if you hope your kids limit screen time or go beyond a pop culture media and music diet, do the same yourself. The new “diet” isn’t just healthier, it’s usually more interesting, too.


This discussion of media and childhood is an ongoing one—within our own families and to learn what’s worked for others—though each family’s choices may be unique. Navigating this topic introduces lots of other crucial conversations that involve values, from sleepover rules to dating, whether you’re ready or not. Our children are our trust, so it’s important to trust our instincts and moral compass—even when we’re considered the meanest mom.

 

Homa Sabet Tavangar is the author of Growing Up Global: Raising Children to Be At Home in the World (Random House), an acclaimed guide to raising and educating global citizens. She writes for various national media and speaks to audiences around the world on global citizenship, parenting, globalizing curriculum, empathy, and inclusion. She is co-author of The Global Education Toolkit for Elementary Learners (Corwin, 2014).


 

Updated on 4.30.15